She had to rebuild her inner world over and over again
She had to rebuild her inner world over and over again
🥣 When Codependence Feels Like a Curse but Is Actually Just Conditioning
🧃 I was in the middle of my very first 4th Step.
Emotions all over the place. Zero chill. But I was trying.
That’s when a “friend” from my Vipassana circle — someone I’d already helped many times — messaged me.
This time, it wasn’t a gentle ask. It was full-blown emotional terrorism:
“By morning, me and the baby won’t be alive unless you help.”
🤯😱💀🍼🧃🤢
(Yeah. She put a baby in the sentence. For maximum panic.)
Here’s the real talk:
I wasn’t just a victim in this story.
I was a full-blown codependent. A chronic people-pleaser.
A lifelong over-functioner who only felt worthy when rescuing people in crisis. 🚨🧯
I was deep in what I later learned is called the drama triangle:
- Rescuer 👩🚒
- Persecutor 😠
- Victim 😩
I switched roles constantly — thinking I was “helping,” but mostly just prosecuting myself and getting scammed spiritually.
(Turns out, martyrdom doesn’t pay back in karma points. It just leaves you broke and exhausted.)
I told her no.
I said she’d have to pay me back.
And then:
❌ I blocked her.
❌ I blocked everyone connected to her.
❌ I stopped auditioning for the role of savior.
It wasn’t clean. It wasn’t peaceful. I didn’t float away on a cloud of sage smoke.
I just… blocked. Then cried. Then breathed.
And that — shockingly — was enough.
Two years later, she contacted my sister.
My sister!
And a year after that, I saw her online again, trying to sneak back into my life like a glitchy NPC from a game I stopped playing.
💻🕹️👻
I logged out.
Because by then, I had started recovering. And recovering meant saying:
“I’m not playing that triangle game anymore.”
If you’re in something like this — you’re not stupid.
You’re not cursed.
You’re not doomed to repeat this forever.
You might just be a tender-hearted over-giver trying to feel safe in a dangerous world.
And sometimes the bravest thing we do isn’t forgive — it’s block, grieve, and get the hell outta Dodge. 🏃♀️💨
I didn’t know I was valuable yet.
But I would learn.
Through recovery. Through pause. Through messy retreat moments where I sat in the wreckage and chose not to go back.
And today — I can write about it.
That’s enough.
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